#and by ''conversation'' I mean Lucius sketched him and then they fucked

[plantsjustwannahavefun]

I'd give my left eyeball to see Lucius's first reaction to Izzy's singing. And their first conversation afterwards.

[izzy-b-hands]

I'm imagining a fundraising brainstorming session post Reunion/Big Talks Completed/Etc Dramatic Things

Whole crew, assembled on the deck, where Stede admits yeah so the whole money always on tap bc I'm rich thing? No longer a thing. We do actually have to Do Pirate Stuff for money now

Cut to Buttons talking cryptically abt how he knows of a list of Secret Pirate Tasks that will really earn good money-

Lucius interrupts to note that he's ninety percent sure Buttons just means dick pics (aka below the waist sketches of various poses and things that Lucius makes, has each person autograph, then sells for ridiculous amounts at random ports. Everyone absolutely makes up fake names for their signature on these, and that's half the fun tbh)

Which no one is against, but Lucius' wrist will need rest now and again what with all the dicks and other body parts (and the sketching of them) so there's got to be something else to do in addition to that

That's where I can't decide if they just go hog wild trying and even succeeding in raiding every ship they run across, setting up some sort of additional gigs (Roach offers baked goods but only if everyone takes shifts helping bake bc he should not have to do all that work alone and he's right and he should say it, Wee John suggests setting up a booth wherever they stop to offer sewing/darning/etc fabric repairs, Fang mentions Ye Olde Hot Topics are always hiring so if they stay near a safeish port for a week or two they could make some extra that way, Black Pete could absolutely make bank whittling things like I myself would be in line for something from him, etc)

or

or

some combination of all the above which gives the delightful moments of

'oh god our ship is being raided by these two terrors and their crew and wait. Wait. The guy holding a cleaver to my neck rn definitely sold me an amazing layer cake two ports back; hey, before u kill me can I pay to have one sent to my family with a note that I'm dead? Yeah? Okay, cool, someone get a pen or just write this in my blood on the deck i guess-'

And Roach would agree to it. Lucius would take down the address and write up the receipt (and the oh god im so sorry im dying at sea and leaving my family alone note to go with the cake) and they'd all be dividing up loot at the end as well as logging random sales made during the raid aksjdjfngg

And somehow they're still barely breaking even and if it weren't for Ed's previously earned funds (he starts sneaking personal financial tips into his pillow talk with Stede each night, and at first Stede hates it but then he's Pavlov'd into getting hard whenever Ed discusses budgeting, and that does make such conversation much more enjoyable for him at least)

like. they wouldn't be wholly Fucked, but it would be a much more nervous situation and everyone is just boggled that Stede doesn't seem to Get that.

But he's eager for all the side gig ideas at least, and even helps (aka he does his best, he's trying to learn how to do the work available to them, even if it isn't always the most amazing result aksndjf)

I like to think he'd eventually realise he has stuff he can offer too, like, maybe he's got a decent hand for fixing the binding of books (bc he's never trusted anyone other than himself, Ed, and the crew with his books tbh, and that v much includes repairs to them.)

Just. Lil guy, sitting by Wee John who's got a sewing project in hand that'll be picked up by end of day, and the same customer left one old much loved book with Stede to be fixed and it's his first customer and he Will Not Fuck This Up

and Frenchie and John are desperate not to giggle (with love) over how nervous he is as they chill beside him and sew away bc like

he's actively sweating with worry but his hands are moving and fixing and reglueing and whatnot with him barely even having to think abt it bc he's so used to doing this particular thing

He doesn't need to worry so much abt this particular thing! Their entire financial situation, yes, but this particular task he actually has some mastery over and everyone wants to see him acknowledge it!!! Not just for his self esteem but bc then he'll promo himself more and hopefully make more fucking money aksndkfng

[lunchdenarii]

May I ask about your Vulpes crucifixion headcannon? Where he has the scars/nerve damage?

Like, why was he crucified? Why was he let down? Does he think the punishment was necessary or complete bs?

Ok

Sit tight, I’m about to rant-

so when you talk to Caesar in the fort and ask about Vulpes, Caesar goes on this tangent ab how when Vulpes broke rank on a mission to capture a Cheiftan of some irrelevant tribe, his Centurion wanted him crucified for ‘disobedience’, but Caesar decided to promote Vulpes to Frumentarii instead bc he saw potential in him. (The part above is the only part of my hc that is confirmed in canon other than the stats I mention later!!)

And the first thought that went through my head when this conversation happened was “yeah, but was the Centurion allowed to go through with it before Vulpes was saved...? Like when did Caesar find out about this?? Did this furry legit get crucified??”

And now it’s my official HC that Vulpes was on a cross at one point bc the story got to Caesar after he’d been put up there.

Crucifixion usually consists of the hands being either nailed through to the wood at the palms or wrists, or the wrists being tied to the wood. Same goes for the ankles. So I HC that he either has nerve damage from having literal holes put through his hands/legs, and/or circulation problems from being tied tight enough for a long enough time to permanently screw up circulation (it’s kinda hard to keep a body on a cross and even if he was tied, he’d have to be tied tight , having circulation cut off for long enough causes nerve damage as well) So the nerve damage would mostly affect his hands and feet

If literally-just-a-mailman can get shot twice In the dome at point blank range with a 9mm and survive, Dog-Head, a seasoned (at the time) decanus of the legion can survive the cross- these are my fucked up legion HCs and I get to choose what’s possible /lh

Also in this hc this would be part of the reason his SPECIAL stats are so weirdly spread and unspecialized despite being a high ranking member of the Legion. 5s across the board with a 4 in Endurance...? I mean 34 SPECIAL overall isnt anything to scoff at per say but he’s that basic-? After all that training?? And one of his tag skills is s c i e n c e? He’s the weakest important Legion officer, coming in at one SPECIAL stat below Lucius and 18 points below Lanius. (Lucius only having a 6 in strength and a base stat total of 35 can be boiled down to his age, since his age has been mentioned in the game but this is a discussion for another day)

Kinda sketch considering the rank he’s achieved (the stats I’ve mentioned are canon as well! ). Meanwhile his literary foil, Lanius, is (correct me if I’m wrong) literally the strongest human NPC in the vanilla game, with a SPECIAL stat total of 52 AND all his extra buffs) But- if he was dealing with chronic issues like nerve damage and/or circulation problems and therefore couldn’t focus mainly on fighting and physical improvement anymore, *DEEP WHEEZE BC IM RANTING* a permanent stat nerf like this with no specialization would make a lot more sense, as would his promotion to “eyes and ears of the legion” status rather than simply being saved and put into another combat-heavy position, like being promoted to veteran decanus or centurion.

As far as his interpretation of events is concerned, I believe he’d only view it as unfair after he’d been saved,

like he knew when he did it that his centurion would want him dead but he did it for the “betterment of the legion” or some crap, so he was willing to die for it until he got saved. Then he was like “wait, I almost died for making the best possible choice and for bettering the legion? what a dick that centurion was”. He wouldn’t count it against the legion and its ideals as a whole bc he’s drank enough of the legion koolaid to disregard his own life if it meant the betterment of his faction, also bc Caesar himself saved him so that just cemented his loyalty all the more

EDIT: I think I should emphasize the fact that he got promoted from Decanus, a physically demanding, battle heavy role, to Frumentarii, a role for espionage and playing ambassador. And this was after leading a battle strategy, not after forging an alliance or laying groundwork for some sort of spy operations

Vulpes does almost none of his own dirty work physically. The whole function of his occupation changed which just adds to my belief that the reason this happened rather than him just being promoted to Centurion was because he physically couldn’t battle that heavily anymore.

I could talk literally all day about Vulpes’ character and the legion and the different avenues they could’ve been taken down had he been a companion but maybe, just maybe I should stop hyperfixating on villainous war criminal furries and their stupid, historically inaccurate, fascist factions-

✨RAMBLE OVER✨

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